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Ariannah's Story

   
 

From Nana's Heart

 

Hello and welcome to Ariannah's story.  I am honored that you decided to read her story.  I hope that your heart is touched in a way that would make you appreciate each and everyday that you are here on earth.  We have to cherish the moments that are allowed to us and our families...always!  If you have children, please don't let a day go by without telling them how much you love them and if you are fournute enough to still have your parents with you, don't let a day go by without telling them that you love them too!.  I am sure that they know you love them, but as a mother myself, I know that it is nice to hear it too.
 
The Friday before May 23, 2004, my husband and I went away for the weekend, not too far just a little getaway. We weren't exactly sure where we wanted to go, we were just being 
spontaneous and packed our bags for the weekend and started to drive. We wound up in Anaheim and decided that we would go to Disneyland on that next day Saturday.

We stayed up late on Friday night in our Hotel watching movies and enjoying each others company. We woke up Saturday around 9am and decided to go eat breakfast at the local diner. We put in our names and sat and waited to be called.

Just then my cell phone rang and it was my daughter Angela, who was 22 years old at the time, she has 2 boys already and we all lived together at the time. So she was alone with the boys that weekend. She didn't sound good at all. She said that she was having stomach pains last night and in the morning she felt sick to her stomach.

Angela recently had her gallbladder removed and that was giving her a lot of stomach problems already. She attributed the stomach discomfort to that. When Angela called me she said when she got up that morning and used the bathroom she saw blood spotting, then second by second as she was on the phone with me, she started sounding worse and was getting shorter and shorter of breath and the pain was getting worse! I told her to call 911 and we are on way home. She was of course worried about the boys because we didn't know anyone where we lived well enough to watch them.  I told her the Firemen or Paramedics would stay with the boys until we got home.

We were about 45 miles away from home and it felt like it took forever to get there.  We eventually made it home and the firemen stayed there to watch my Grandkids. They were so kind and were taking good care of my Grandkids too! They were feeding them breakfast and changing diapers.

I dropped off my husband and speed away to the hospital, San Antonio in Upland, CA. It was about a 15 min drive but it felt like I got there in 5 minutes.

I found my daughter in a room with a nurse and the doctor, they were looking for a heartbeat and found one. I thought to myself that everything was going to be okay. Angela was 22 weeks along in her pregnancy.  In my mind I kept saying I know babies around that age could still live. I didn't want to hear what I was about to be told. The doctor said that the baby is too young to survive and her lungs are not developed enough yet.  Also that they could not stop what was happening  to my daughter.  Angela's water bag had already dropped into the vagina canal.  I kept telling them to give her something to stop her labor...they said that there is nothing that they can do to stop what was happening and bascially  all that could be done now was to deliver Ariannah and maybe she would live a short while or maybe she would be "Born Still"

The nurse was very well trained with these types of situations, but still nothing could be said or done to ease the pain I was feeling already and it was about to get worse.   As a mother I felt so damn helpless! to have to watch my only daughter go through this horrible ordeal. If there was a way, anyway, that I could have taken the pain away from her and put it on myself, I would have in a heartbeat! But I couldn't...I  struggled with my own mind telling myself that  I have to be strong for my daughter and at the same time it felt like I was losing my own child.  I was going crazy inside, wanting to scream and grab the doctor and shake him until he did something to save my baby granddaughter!!!  I knew what the doctor had told me, but I just begged for him to save my precious granddaughter.  Instead all he did was  just say "I'm sorry" and walked away.

After a while they gave Angela Pitocin to make her deliver quicker. She was in labor on her own then it would suddenly die down. I seen it in my daughter eyes like she was saying..."mom I don't want my baby to be dead"...I don't want her to come out! And with everything that was within her she held on to baby Ariannah.  She kept herself from delivering her with all her strength that she had, my daughter just kept holding on...

My husband called a friend of ours and asked her to come get the kids so that he could be with us at the hospital.  Angela kept asking for him to be there so that he could pray for her baby.  Finally he arrived at the hospital.  The time was nearing so my husband stepped outside and waited to hear a crying baby, but it never came...The door was slightly open so he heard everything that was going on in the room.  Later he told me that he was standing there praying for Angela & Ariannah, when he noticed people leaving the hospital with their babies, so happy that they were taking their baby home...he was heartbroken! You can read his poem,"When The Waves Came" its about how he felt about what was happening at the time. You can find his poem at the link below this story.

After many hours finally the time was nearing and she couldn't keep herself from pushing any longer. It was evadible what was about to happen. The nurse kept coming in and out and periodically the doctor showed his face (I did not like him) but that's another subject...Angela started saying "I have to push" and soon after she delivered the sweetest baby Angel I have ever seen.  Ariannah was so tiny and beautiful...She weighed only 13 ounces and was 10 inches long but she had so many features and was so beautiful!  She looked like she had a smile on her face, as if she was telling us that she was ok.  I had never seen a baby that little before and I was scared of what to expect too. I didn't want to lose it in front of my Angela but inside it felt like someone punched their hand through my chest and ripped my heart right out of my body. After Ariannah came out I was the first one to touch her. So fragile she was, yet so beautiful...like an Angel...The nurse who helped deliver her had a blanket ready for her and coached us through what to expect.  How do you prepare your heart mind and soul for something like this?  I could have been told for a thousand years about what to expect, but that would have not helped in the least.  It's still hard to relive this, telling this story, it seems like yesterday and everyday is painful that our Angel is not with us here.

We were told to take pictures of her, dress her, hold her, bond with her...I couldn't wait to hold her and love her up.  Angela was struggling with the whole situation, weather to hold her or not, bond or not?  She was in the state of confussion. I can't even imagine what she was going through... It all seemed so unreal! Finally she did hold Angel Ariannah and cryied and cyried.  We cryied together and my husband too.  We stayed in the room where she was born, overnight.  I slept on a little bed bench they had in the room and my honey...well...he went to the car to sleep overnight.  He didn't want to leave us but there wasn't any where for him to sleep in the room. We kept Ariannah in the room with us and did like they told us to do. We took pictures, held her, rocked her sang to her.   I finally dressed her, I didn't want no one else to dress her.  My husband brought a special blanket to the hospital that Angela had already bought for Ariannah.

Finally they came to ask if they could take Ariannah now to get measured and weighed and make a special keepsake box for my daughter. It was a little card with Ariannah's feet print and hand print's too. They gave her a little bassinet a bonnet with a gown and some little hand made crosses with some teddy bears also. I went with the nurse to do all this, even though no one is permitted to go into that room but staff, but I wasn't about to let baby Ariannah out of my sight.  I just felt like anyone who is going to be doing these things to her, loves her  so being the way that I am, I insisted and got my way.  I helped them do Ariannah's feet & hand prints and I made sure that I held her whenever she had to be moved.

Now we had to go home and plan a funeral, which was devastating. This is something you don't ever expect to have to do. This was an overwhelming task but it has to be done. So in short we planned the funeral and on May 28th we laid our baby Angel Ariannah to rest. 

I don't think we will ever get over losing her because to me, to get over it, is to not remember her anymore, and that will never happen!  I have talked to many diffrent women that have lost a child, some very recent and some over 20 years ago and whenever we talk about our Angels it still hurts and brings tears to our eyes. I think you just learn to live with the pain of losing an Angel because your life is forever changed, we can never be the same after being touched by an Angel.  One woman I talked with that lost her Angel over 20 yrs ago did tell me that at the time God and family and friends are what really helped her to get through it, also talking about her Angel helped her too.

My mother lost her son to cancer at 22 months of age over 40 yrs ago and she has "never gotton over it" just learned to live with the heartache of your loss.  My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced the loss of a child too.  I pray that God will comfort you and give you peace in your heart.  God Bless you all.....Angel
 

*I miss my baby granddaughter everyday! not a day goes by without my visiting her here and in my heart.  My arms ache for the baby Angel that will never get to be with us here on earth, but I holdfast to the promise that God has given us...(I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also John 14:2)   I can't wait to see my baby Angel agian...until then my Angel, Nana misses you everyday...I will be there with you "in a short while" when it is my time to go be with the Lord too.

 

"When the Waves Came"

 
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you are listening to "Tears in Heaven"