Angela's Post

I haven't been writing to the group for awhile. But My daughter
passed away last May 23, 2004, and it feels like it just happened last month. I can't ever talk about it without getting choked up. I have 2 small boys that need me I think that is why I never feel the pain until someone asks me how many kids do you have, and I have to think do I have 2 or 3??? Everyday is a continuing struggle. I hate myself a lot I feel like my body is my worst enemy. I was 21 weeks pregnant and my body dilated fully in my sleep. I woke up and I felt like I to go to the bathroom when I went pee and I started spotting. Not enough blood to worry, but the pressure felt like I had to push but I was scared. I called my mom ready to have a panice attack and she told me to lay down and put my legs up and call 911. Right there I was scared.... Then as the ambulence took me to the hospital I started feeling pain. I was so scared...When I got there I could feel my lil girl moving inside of me so I knew she was alive but I didn't understand why everytime a doctor or nurse cam into my room they had a puzzled look on there face. I thought to myself they probably can't find her heart beat, which I wasn't scared at all cause I could feel her moving inside of me.. Until they said that I would have to deliver her. At one point I was so excited!!! It was like Christmas, in other words, I get to have my present earlier then expected, not thinking of how young she really was. Then they dropped the BOMB on me and said that she will not make it. My heart and face dropped. I said I watch Trauma in the ER I watch all these shows where there are problems or complications and the babies are on breathing machines and stay in the hospital for awhile and may have problems later but at least the hospital tries. And the nurse kept telling me, no , no, no...... They started bringing specialists and they kept telling me that in other words I had to deliver her and she will die in the labor process or after I deliver her while she is in my arms.. Now that is a hard decision to make as a mother. Can you imagine them giving you a choice like that make within 1 hour to make. "Would you like to deliver your daughter dead or die in your arms either way she will die within mins." I think I was stuck on stupid for a week until her funeral and I had to lay my baby girl in her casket. I was zoned out in another world. It has been almost a year this month and still I have not got her a headstone.. I just can't believe it.... Barely now I am starting to feel the pain I think the first year is just shock. I was fine then and I use to say I'm fine I'm okay I know she is in a better place. I looked on the bright side for awhile. Such as no boy will ever break her heart, she'll fall and get hurt she is in the perfect bubble where she can't be hurt, HEAVEN...But now I am feeling it so bad. I go coo coos sometimes. I got on depression meds, then I thought I could do it without them so I got off, then I started drinking, then I stopped then I would eat then I wouldn't eat for days... Right now in California when it rains I feel like such a bad mom, I feel like sometimes that she is gonna get sick and I can't protect her. Now certain things just trigger me and I am crying like a manic.. When I gave birth to her it was the saddest feeling I could ever experince in my life..I still remember pushing her out and when I get depressed and all I can feel it all over again it's like I re-live that moment...Anyone have any advise for me please please...Im all EARS..Those of you that read everything I had to write thank you for your time. I am a very private person. And actually have never wrote about the way I feel I am just grouchy all the time. please feel free to check out my lil girls website.